The X-Files - 3.

French title: La Guerre Des Coprophages
translation: The War Of The Coprophages

Italian title: Scarafaggi

US Airdate: January 5, 1996

writer: Darin Morgan

director: Kim Manners

STARRING:

David Duchovny as Special Agent Fox Mulder

Gillian Anderson as Special Agent Dana Scully

Guest Cast:

Dion Anderson as Sheriff Frass

Raye Birk as Dr. Jeff Eckerle

Alex Bruhanski as Dr. Bugger

Alan Buckley as Dude

Bill Dow as Dr. Newton

Ken Kramer as Dr. Ivanov

Tyler Labine as Stoner

Nicole Parker as Chick

Bobbie Phillips as Dr. Bambi Berenbaum

Wren Robertz as Orderly

Tom Heaton as Resident #1

Bobby L. Stewart as Resident #2

Norma Wick as Reporter

Maria Herrera as Customer #1

Sean Allan as Customer #2

Dawn Stofer as Customer #4

Fiona Roeske as Customer #5

INSECTS SWARM AND SIGHT GAGS FLY IN A SMALL NORTHEASTERN TOWN AS MULDER AND SCULLY ENCOUNTER A TOWN PANICKED BY A PLAGUE OF COCKROACHES.

Is an alien race disguised as cockroaches invading the earth? Or is a pest control experiment gone awry threatening the populace of Miller's Grove, Massachusetts? Mulder goes to the small town in pursuit of UFO reports but finds instead a town terrorized by roaches, in this darkly humorous send-up. Mulder pursues both a theory on alien robotic probes and a lovely entemologist named Bambi, while Scully faces down a panicked, fleeing mob. Cockroaches with metallic exoskeletons mix with insectoid automatons, a synthetic fuels researcher with a license to import dung, and walls that literally undulate with insects to render a creepy, funny, and very strange night for Mulder and Scully.

More dung references: when Scully eats the Choco Droppings, ewww! And the sheriff's name, "frass" means "excrement of larvae". I want BIG points for that one, kids, looked it up in the dictionary all by myself, I did.

Cute injoke you may have missed: when the man is killed by roaches in his hotel room, he flicks the TV channel to a Marilyn Monroe movie. The movie is "The Seven Year Itch".

Might I suggest that first time viewers of this episode not drink alcoholic beverages when it's on? My viewing group was covered in beer when that cockroach crawled across the screen ;-)

Scully is reading the book "Breakfast at Tiffany's" during one of Mulder's numerous telephone interruptions. This was the Final Jeopardy answer that David Duchovny missed when he appeared on the show.

Dr. Bambi Berenbaum is named for Dr. May R. Berenbaum, head of the Entomology Department at the University of Illinois and author of many books on insects.

The robotics researcher, A. Ivanov, has a name very similar to the great writer of sci-fi (sometimes dealing with robotics) stories, I. Asimov.

The television news reporter's name is Skye Leikin, a mixed version of the name of an AOL xphile, Leikin Skye, who won an AOL trivia contest -- the prize was to get her screen name on one of the episodes.

The phrase "Smart is sexy", which Scully says at the end referring to the scientists, has become a phrase used by the media to describe Mulder and Scully.

Dr. Jeff Eckerle: "I thought that nowadays, you froze the insects to death."

Dr. Bugger: "Freeze them? Where's the fun in that?"

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(Mulder is sitting in his car, looking up at the stars. A white cockroach jumps on his windshield and Mulder turns on the wiper, brushing it off. His phone rings.)

Mulder: "Mulder."

Scully: "Mulder, where have you been? I've been trying to reach you all day."

Mulder: "Oh, my apartment complex was being fumigated so I thought I'd get away for the weekend. I came up to Massachusetts."

Scully (as she cleans her gun with a washcloth at the kitchen table): "Visiting your mother?"

Mulder: "No, just, uh... sitting and thinking. Widespread accounts of unidentified colored lights hovering in the skies were reported last night. Look, Scully, I know it's not your inclination but... did you ever look up into the night sky and feel certain that... not only was something up there but... it was looking down on you at that exact same moment and was just as curious about you as you are about it?"

Scully (as she unscrews a screwdriver and examines it): "Mulder, I think the only thing more fortuitous than the emergence of life on this planet is that, through purely random laws of biological evolution, an intelligence as complex as ours ever emanated from it. The very idea of intelligent alien life is not only astronomically improbable but at it's most basic level, downright anti-Darwinian."

Mulder: "Scully... what are you wearing? (she laughs) I understand what you're saying, but I, I, I just need to keep looking."

Scully: "Yeah, well, don't look too hard. You might not like what you find." (she sprays some polish on a fork. Scene cuts to Mulder, who turns on the wipers, brushing off another bug that landed on his windshield)

Mulder: "Isn't that what Doctor Zaius said to Charlton Heston at the end of "Planet of the Apes?""

Scully (as she polishes the fork): "And look what happened." (cut to Mulder as he smiles. Suddenly, headlights shine brightly in his face)

Mulder: "Scully, I got to go."

Scully: "Wait... Mulder, what's going on? (she hears a click, then a dialtone) Mulder?"

(she hangs up the phone. The scene cuts back to Mulder as Sheriff Frass approaches his car and looks inside)

Sheriff Frass: "How you doing? (Mulder nods) What are you doing?"

Mulder: "Just sitting, thinking."

Sheriff Frass: "Sitting and thinking? (Mulder nods) And talking on the phone? Who with, your drug dealer?"

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Mulder: "It appears that cockroaches are mortally attacking people."

Scully: "I'm not going to ask you if you just said what I think you just said because I know it's what you just said."

____________________

(after Mulder talks to Scully on the phone)

Sheriff: "Who was that?"

Mulder: "My drug dealer."

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Mulder: "I see the correlation, but just because I work for the federal government doesn't mean I'm an expert on cockroaches."

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Mulder: "Well, that all makes perfect sense, Scully, I don't like it at all. Did you know that the federal government, under the guise as the department of agriculture, as been conducting secret experiments up here?"

Scully: "Mulder, you're not thinking about trespassing onto government property again, are you?

(we see Mulder take out a lockpick gun) I know that you've done it in the past, but I don't think that this case warrants..."

Mulder: "It's too late, I'm already inside."

Scully: (heavy sigh)

____________________

(answering phone yet again)

Scully: "Who died now?"

____________________

(answers phone during conversation with Dr. Bambi)

Mulder: "Not now." (hangs up on Scully)

____________________

(on the phone)

Scully: "What happened at the U.S.D.A. site?"

Mulder: "They're conducting legitimate experiments. I met an entomologist, Doctor Berenbaum, who agrees with your theory of an accidental importation of a new cockroach species."

Scully: "Did he give you any idea of how to catch them?"

Mulder: "No. But she did tell me everything else there is to know about insects."

Scully: "She?"

Mulder: "Yeah, did you know that the ancient Egyptians worshipped the scarab beetle and possibly erected the pyramids to honor them, which may be just giant symbolic dung heaps?" (he carries the phone into the bathroom)

Scully: "Did you know the inventor of the flush toilet was named Thomas Crapper?"

Mulder (gives a slight laugh): "Bambi also has this theory I've never come acro..."

Scully: "Who?"

Mulder: "Doctor Berenbaum. Anyway, her theory is..."

Scully: "Her name is Bambi?"

Mulder: "Yeah. Both her parents were naturalists. Her theory is that UFOs are actually nocturnal insect swarms passing through electrical air fields."

Scully: "Her name is Bambi?"

Mulder: "Scully, can I confess something to you?"

Scully: "Yeah, sure, okay."

Mulder: "I hate insects."

Scully: "You know, lots of people are afraid of insects, Mulder. It's just a... it's a natural, instinctive."

Mulder: "No, no, I'm not afraid of them. I hate them. One day back when I was a kid, I, uh... I was climbing this tree when I noticed this leaf walking towards me. It took forever for me to realize that it was no leaf."

Scully: "A praying mantis?"

Mulder: "Yeah, I had a praying mantis epiphany and, as a result, I screamed. No, not... not a girly scream but the scream of someone being confronted by some before unknown monster that had no right existing on the same planet I inhabited. Did you ever notice how a praying mantis' head resembles an alien's head? I mean, the mysteries of the natural world were revealed to me that day but instead of being astounded I was ... repulsed."

Scully: "Mulder, are you sure it wasn't a girly scream?"

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Mulder: "Can you tell what kind of cockroach it is?"

Bambi: "I should be able to. The abdomen's still attached and we differentiate species by their genitalia. Oh my God..."

Mulder: "Is it abnormal?"

Bambi: "I'll say. He's hung like a club-tailed dragonfly!"

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Mulder: "I'm just speculating here, but if extraterrestrial lifeforms do exist..."

Dr. Ivanov: "Oh, there's no need for speculation, I believe they do."

Mulder: "And assuming that they're more technologically advanced than we are, and if your own ideas about the future of space exploration are correct, then..."

Dr. Ivanov: "Then the interplanetary explorers of alien civilizations will likely be mechanical in nature. Yes. Anyone who thinks that alien visitation will come not in the form of robots but living beings with big eyes and grey skin, has been brainwashed by too much science-fiction."

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(Scully arrives at a convenience store where pandemonium has ensued)

Scully: "Excuse me, do you sell road maps? (the clerk nods) Could you tell me where they are?"

Woman: "Come on, hurry up!"

Scully: "What's going on here?"

Woman: "Haven't you heard about the roaches? They're devouring people whole. Everybody's getting the hell out of here."

Scully: "Have you seen any of cockroaches yourself?"

Woman: "No, but they're everywhere." (she runs off, the next man in line goes to the counter)

Man: "Roaches aren't attacking people, lady. They're spreading the Ebola virus. (he throws a bill down on the counter and picks up his stuff) Look, keep the change. (he looks back at Scully as he starts out) We're all going to be bleeding from our nipples! (he runs out)

Scully: "All right. (she starts screaming, holding up her badge) All right, listen up! I'm Agent Dana Scully from the Federal Bureau of Investigation. I am assuring you that you are not in any danger. Everything is going to be okay if you just calm down, and start acting rationally. Now, where the hell are those road maps?

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(Mulder picks up a cockroach, the screen changes to the insect's line of vision, distorting Mulder's face)

Mulder: "Greetings from planet Earth."

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(after the research facility Mulder and Scully are standing outside of explodes, covering everything with dung)

Mulder: "Crap."

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Sheriff: "You two ought to go home and get some rest. You look pooped."

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Ivanov: "May I borrow this, Agent Mulder, for further study?"

Mulder: "Well, I've already had a similar sample analyzed, it's nothing but common metals. What do you hope to find from it?"

Bambi: "His destiny."

Ivanov: "Isn't that what Doctor Zaius said to Zira at the end of "The Planet of the Apes?""

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Mulder: "You know, I never thought I'd say this to you, Scully ... but, you smell bad."

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(Mulder sits at his desk at home, typing his report on his computer as he snacks on a big piece of cake, probably chocolate, as it resembles a dung heap, we hear his voice)